Wednesday, 25 February 2015

These days...

image source w-i-n-t-e-r-

I realise I've been a bit quiet lately on the blog/twitter/instagram front. There's been quite a lot happening and the coming weeks look and feel equally so. Subsequently my mind is full of thoughts all jumping around in my head, so it's hardly surprising that I feel rather pensive these days. And, whilst I try to keep myself busy and distracted from day to day, taking time to reflect and offload is always time well spent in my book...

Last week Mr LMLD sent me off shopping. He knew I was wanting to update a few bits in my wardrobe as well as make some "dog walking friendly" additions to it now that we have pup. Every wife's dream you would think to have carte blanche (well almost!) to go off and spend some money without being moaned at when you get in about how much you've spent or having to surreptitiously hide maybe one or two bags in the wardrobe to emerge at a later date... we've all done it haven't we! So he was utterly bemused when I walked through the door stressed and on the verge of tears about the whole thing. Feeling totally unconfident (something that seems to be happening a lot lately) about what to buy, I came home totally deflated.  When did the fun go out of shopping?

This week I'm helping my father move my ninety something Grandparent's from Kent to a retirement home here in Hampshire. Whilst practically it is totally the right move for them - I won't be missing the four hour round trips to see them - I can't help feeling daunted by the dynamics of them being much more present in our everyday lives. Add to this my feelings of the injustice of illness and death ... you get where I'm coming from.

March is fast approaching us and I can't believe my big girl will be turning 12!  More of that nearer the time. March has now unwittingly become a poignant month for us as a family. This time last year we were all hoping that the two week annual holiday to the Maldives at the beginning of March that Mummy and Daddy have taken for the last goodness knows how many years would be the answer to all our prayers in getting Mummy back to her old self again. She wasn't right, but we didn't know why. Instead within 48 hours of an emotional send off I found myself on an emergency repatriation exercise because Mummy had collapsed when they got to the resort. She should never have flown. I will never forget the tearful relief on my father's face when I skyped him to tell him I'd got them flights home the very next day. The relief was to be shortlived though. In that coming week the full horror of what was about to happen to our family in the coming months was unveiled. Mummy had a brain tumour; there was nothing that could be done; she had two week's to live.

At the time I didn't think I would be celebrating Mother's Day with Mummy, but I did and went on to enjoy three wonderful month's with her. So this year will be my first Mother's Day without her. It has been looming in the back of my mind since her Birthday as being the next "day we have to get through" and then the other day as I was confronted by a stand of appropriate cards & gifts, the painful truth hit home... I have no-one to buy a card or gift for anymore.

With his quarterly scan this week, my Father's cancer is also very much on my mind at the moment. Whilst it is still (hopefully) being kept under control, the knowledge that it could rear it's ugly head at any given moment is unnerving; the kind of food and quantity he can eat (he has cancer of the oesophagus) seems to be diminishing more and more making mealtimes such a chore rather than the pleasure he once enjoyed; and my anger at my reality further fuelled.

The arrival of our new pup is without doubt proving to be a happy distraction. The effect his presence has had on our family in just four weeks is priceless and now that we are able to take him out and about for walks, the promise of happy, fun times ahead with him in our favourite places, an extremely pleasing one.

Talking of future events, the class of 1990 is reuniting this summer after 25 years. There's nothing like a school reunion to make you feel old is there! I can't say I particularly look back on my school years with much fondness, but it's an opportunity for a weekend with my oldest friend and to rekindle some friendships that have simply got lost over the years through no fault of our own... oh and a good giggle at those 90's hairstyles! I may share some photo's... watch this space!

Thank you for listening, as always...

Joanna

xxxx

2 comments:

Sarette said...

A very poignant post Jo. My dad has dementia (only 71) and watching him withdraw into himself is horrible, and the knowledge of what's to come even more so. But let's finish on a positive note - your blog is a must read. I'm glad you took the plunge!

Like Mother Like Daughter said...

Oh Sarette, I'm so sorry to hear that, I know how close you are to your Dad. That must be really hard for you all and I hope you are getting all the help available you can. As you say, on a positive note, thank you so much! I'm so glad you like the blog; I'm really glad I took the plunge too!

Take care

Jo
xx